I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
