My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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