Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
