i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
