I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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