god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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