I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
