i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
