Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
