...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
