She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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