wat bout pragnant strippers??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
