You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
