I'm gonna have a badass scar
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
