Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
