In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
