Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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