Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
