just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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