you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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