I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
