so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
