She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My penis needs a shock collar
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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