I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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