if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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