I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
