I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We have started to decorate penises.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize