The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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