Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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