sarcasm needs its own font
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
