Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
