I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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