Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
