I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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