Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
where does the pee come out of this thing
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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