if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
