Jerry, you need to find god
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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