I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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