3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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