Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
