Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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