Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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