The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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