I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
