I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
