once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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