addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
