Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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