Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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