when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
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