I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
