why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
