Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
