they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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