I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize