Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
