Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
