Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
