foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
