So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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