I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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