I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
