Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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